Sunday, April 20, 2008

Relationships and Hardships

I wish I could know what a relationship is supposed to be. Can anyone even explain it? Can we actually speak of beautiful and perfect relationships? I can say, I have an amazing relationship with my mother. I can't say same thing of my father, but I still love him - a lot.

But outside of family what the hell is it? Is it miscommunication between friends, or a disagreement between husband and wife? Or maybe just boyfriends arguing with each other! That's all I've always known of it to be . . . I wish I could really speak or write for that matter of what I feel about it. But still who cares? Who even cares to know what I even write in here. The only person who reads this is my roommate. I'm his shadow at home, outside, everywhere we go. He makes sure I have everything in place, including this blow sucking English. I need to thank him for all his support. I can't stress that enough.

The only relationship I still can count on is the one with God. I know He'll never fail. My only concern is for me not to screw up with Him, and that's one less problem to deal with on His faithfulness.

I hear many people talking about on believing in themselves, be self centered, self esteemed, and this will cause to bring power unto you. The only part I agree is that we really must love ourselves, take care of ourselves, give yourself be best treatment. But once we become self centered and feel too powerful, that will bring us down and destroy relationships. I've tried that. It doesn't work. I can't do it all, no, not by myself. I'm not God, Superman, or Batman.

But then . . . relationships. How long do they last? Does it depend on us? Do we have to be alike so we can fit a a marriage? Perhaps, adjust, learn how to live with the habits of that person. But how do you get it going, when you want to pull to the right and the other to left. One will fall, and when that happens, that's it.

I've had a girlfriend who only lasted two weeks, because she was too controlling.

The second girlfriend, I left her because she was to picky and exygent.

The third, I even married, but her mind was too closed to understand our living circumstances and I couldn't offer everything she wanted. She left me 5 times in the space of two years.

Was I too hard to handle? Because I watched movies, or TV? She expected me to pick her up at the train station on a rainy day. Her father did. She counted on me. She expected me to do it. Was I so wrong of not thinking of that? I didn't even have a car.

I tried to fix it and put ban days, but the damage was there already.

My fourth relationship I can't even say of it, or what to call it.

I wish I could make the world understand me. I wish I could let people enter in my mind and see, who I really am. To see the things unspoken, that I can't speak of.

I avoid the talk. It raises questions. Questions demand an answer, and the answer, if it's wrong will make us pay for it. Is saying no all the time really the solution? Or is it best keep saying yes and continue life as it is? I rather not say, and let God lead the way. He gave me His Spirit. It's like the wind that blows and we don't know where it comes from and where it goes. I'm letting the Spirit take me wherever He wants me to be.

I hope He'll bless me with the right relationships and perhaps fix the current ones and make them stronger, because . . . I'm letting it go into His mighty hands.

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