My mother passed away last May, and I still have the sense that she is still alive. Often times I feel like calling home and just seat there with my cellphone listening to her voice. It troubles me to know that my dad is actually by himself in Portugal, in our little town of Esmoriz. I still expect to hear the phone ringing and hear her voice shouting with enthusiasm: "O MEU FILHO QUERIDO!". But I don't hear that anymore. Where are her sweet words? Where is her attention and caring? Where is her dedication and most of all her prayers? I beleive non of her prayers have been answered, and I know she died too soon so see them all coming true. All I hope is that at least she can see me from up there and if not, that God grants her the news about me, but I hope He omits the bad parts.
I have hope that one day I'll meet her again. It's a small trip one day we all have to take, and there is no choice other than just let it go. We may not wish it, but it will come for us, so we meet those we love, long gone on the other side.
I still haven't had the courange to open up her picture I shot in my 2008 trip to Portugal or even look at it up to today. I afraid of crying and feel emotionally sick again. I cried over it all night the day she died. I didn't want it to be a piture. I wanted it to be my physical mother, to hug her, and cuddle beside her like I used to do when I was still a young kid.
I still blame myslelf for her death. I wonder if I never left home thirteen years ago and stayed with my mom, my brother would have never slept in my room, there would never be argument over dirty sheets, neverthless she would be sick, because I would have encouraged her to take that awfull operation to her intestines and remove the inital polips hanging around there.
I came to New York and stayed to have a better life but in spite of conquering the blessings that God and this country has to offer, I lost my family, their love and attention.
I miss my mother a lot. I miss her so much, that even the bad moments are blocked by this dense foggy cloud. I refuse to think about them. They don't matter anymore. She only matters to me. Hoping she is okay, and longing to see her again.
To my mom with love.